Tasha
When I was 5, all I wanted was a dog. I begged. I pleaded. I tried to bargain. It was just not going to happen. Instead, I got a bird. A beautiful white and yellow cockatiel that of course had to be a girl because at that age, everything was female, and so I named her Tasha. Tasha came with my to my first grade classroom for show and tell. My "talent" was that Tasha could lay on her back upside down in my hand. Poor Tasha. Every single little germy hand pet Tasha and she let them...even the teacher, the evil Mrs. Hibbison. At 12, Tasha came with us as we drove across the country. She loved sitting behind the back seats and watching the drivers behind us. They would point and wave and my dad would cuss and yell, hoping they would pay attention and not rear end us. When I was a teen I brought home my first real boyfriend and wanted him to play with Tasha. Tasha promptly bit him. Even so, I stayed with this boyfriend for a year until it ended sourly. My junior year, I brought home another boyfriend. This time, when Tasha bit him, I dumped him two days later. After college I met a boy who I knew would be "the one" and because of him, I moved away from home and from my beloved bird. My mom sent pictures of Tasha, and the dog I had acquired shortly after high school. After a year I brought home my fiancé and low and behold, Tasha did not bite him. She allowed him to pet her and he taught her to whistle. My Tasha already said her name and a few other things. I thought this was sufficient but soon listed to whistling day in and day out for months. Years came and went. My husband became an ex-husband. I moved in and out several time. The only constant in my life was my Tasha. Five years ago I acquired some cats. They live outside but come in at night to the garage for shelter. One day I found a little parakeet in my cats mouth. I grabbed the cat and shook him and yelled so much he dropped the bird and went running for the rafters in the garage. This is how I acquired Lucky, the little green parakeet. Lucky came to live in a cage next to Tasha and Tasha loved Lucky. This is how we found out Tasha was not a she, but a he! He sang to her, whistled to her, taught her the ropes, and even started making love to his perch (I imagine with her in mind). So my Tasha boy fell in love and stayed Tasha because at 26 it's just too old to have to learn another name. Today I woke up and my Tasha was not doing well at all. His eyes won't open all the way. He isn't alert. He doesn't know his name. My Tasha is dying and I'm devastated. He's been with me through nearly all my life. We raised each other, my bird and I, and now, I must learn how to say goodbye to my baby bird, because our kids will always be babies in mom's eyes.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Update - Early January
Updates
Well, the weight loss is not going as fast as planned, however, it is going. I am down to 186.8, which is almost 10 lbs. Considering that I started my diet on Dec. 26th, I would say that is still good progress. I have switched things up a bit. I am now doing a modified Atkins diet. For breakfast and dinner I have an Atkins shake (160 cals) and for lunch I have a piece of baked chicken. Somewhere in between I snack on olives (I should really cut down on this!) and string cheese (70 cals and only 2 carbs). So far I seem to be up one day and then down more the next, still going downward. While this is not ideal, I have stuck to being on a diet so far and I am planning to continue. Even if I just lose 10 lbs in January that puts me at around 179.3. So far in January I am down 2.5 lbs. I'd like it to be more but at least it is going down as opposed to up and there is still 3 more weeks in January. I can do this. It may be slow going but at least it's going. I just need to stay positive and remember that the smaller I get, the less I have to lose before it shows.
School
School is stressing me out big time. I have not started at my internship site yet and I have a major project to do that I don't even understand. Not to mention that my supervisor is not even approved yet through Capella. I just want to be done. I hate this. I'd rather take regular classes a few times over than do this internship crap. I love being on site but all this school crap is just too much.
Well, the weight loss is not going as fast as planned, however, it is going. I am down to 186.8, which is almost 10 lbs. Considering that I started my diet on Dec. 26th, I would say that is still good progress. I have switched things up a bit. I am now doing a modified Atkins diet. For breakfast and dinner I have an Atkins shake (160 cals) and for lunch I have a piece of baked chicken. Somewhere in between I snack on olives (I should really cut down on this!) and string cheese (70 cals and only 2 carbs). So far I seem to be up one day and then down more the next, still going downward. While this is not ideal, I have stuck to being on a diet so far and I am planning to continue. Even if I just lose 10 lbs in January that puts me at around 179.3. So far in January I am down 2.5 lbs. I'd like it to be more but at least it is going down as opposed to up and there is still 3 more weeks in January. I can do this. It may be slow going but at least it's going. I just need to stay positive and remember that the smaller I get, the less I have to lose before it shows.
School
School is stressing me out big time. I have not started at my internship site yet and I have a major project to do that I don't even understand. Not to mention that my supervisor is not even approved yet through Capella. I just want to be done. I hate this. I'd rather take regular classes a few times over than do this internship crap. I love being on site but all this school crap is just too much.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Loveless in California
Well, it's been since Tuesday I spoke to Aaron and that was just a quick little exchange about New Years. I seriously miss him. I know we were far from perfect but when we were good, we were really good, and the bad wasn't bad, just...absent. I know it's bad timing for him, but I wanted him to hang on and stick it out. He made me feel so good about myself when I was with him, and he's a genuine, great guy. I want to keep the line of communication open with him but I don't know what to say.
Weight a Minute
My weight loss has slowed and it sucks. This morning I weighed in at 188.0. Only down 3oz from the day before and I hardly ate yesterday. I know I just need to stick it out and it will eventually come off, but its hard not losing. I'm only down a total of 8.4lbs and I had hoped for at least 10 by now. My goal for January is to lose 20lbs and so far I am only down 1.3. That is not good. This weekend I am going to try do to a cleanse both Saturday and Sunday. I haven't really pooped so I'm hoping once I cleanse and I poop that I lose a lb or two. I also am entering my second week on the raspberry ketones which the lady said it starts really working at three weeks. I added Hoodia to my regimen and I will also be adding Green Coffee Beans. All I know is that I need to lose more per day in order to drop this weight. This 1-2lbs a week thing is not for me. I need faster results.
Shopping
I went to the mall with mom for something to do and wound up trying some stuff on. I fit (tightly) into a size 12 dress and the pants I'm wearing today are a size 12. I have muffin top and they are tight but at least they are on and that is more than I could do a few weeks ago. I was bursting out of a size 16. I also bought two bras. I was happily surprised to know that I have gone down from a 36 to a 34. At one time I was a 30! Ugh...to be there again...but I will do it. I read up online about weight loss transformations and some of them took a year, some took 6 months. I don't really want mine to take that long but at least I am losing and it will eventually add up. I'd like to be about a size 6. Smaller if I can, but I don't know if that is possible. That is still 4 sizes smaller than I am now.
Numbers Games
December 26, 2012 196.4 (starting weight)
January 1, 2013 189.3 (down 7.1lbs in just over one week)
Today (1-4-13) 188.0
If I lose 2lbs a week from here to the end of January I will weigh about 180.0, down only 8lbs (total loss of 16.4lbs)
If I lose 4lbs a week that will be another 8lbs putting me at 172.0ish. (Total loss of 24lbs).
In order to lose my goal loss of 20lbs in the month of January I would have to weigh 169.3 by the 31st. Obviously 3oz isn't going to get me there. :(
Well, it's been since Tuesday I spoke to Aaron and that was just a quick little exchange about New Years. I seriously miss him. I know we were far from perfect but when we were good, we were really good, and the bad wasn't bad, just...absent. I know it's bad timing for him, but I wanted him to hang on and stick it out. He made me feel so good about myself when I was with him, and he's a genuine, great guy. I want to keep the line of communication open with him but I don't know what to say.
Weight a Minute
My weight loss has slowed and it sucks. This morning I weighed in at 188.0. Only down 3oz from the day before and I hardly ate yesterday. I know I just need to stick it out and it will eventually come off, but its hard not losing. I'm only down a total of 8.4lbs and I had hoped for at least 10 by now. My goal for January is to lose 20lbs and so far I am only down 1.3. That is not good. This weekend I am going to try do to a cleanse both Saturday and Sunday. I haven't really pooped so I'm hoping once I cleanse and I poop that I lose a lb or two. I also am entering my second week on the raspberry ketones which the lady said it starts really working at three weeks. I added Hoodia to my regimen and I will also be adding Green Coffee Beans. All I know is that I need to lose more per day in order to drop this weight. This 1-2lbs a week thing is not for me. I need faster results.
Shopping
I went to the mall with mom for something to do and wound up trying some stuff on. I fit (tightly) into a size 12 dress and the pants I'm wearing today are a size 12. I have muffin top and they are tight but at least they are on and that is more than I could do a few weeks ago. I was bursting out of a size 16. I also bought two bras. I was happily surprised to know that I have gone down from a 36 to a 34. At one time I was a 30! Ugh...to be there again...but I will do it. I read up online about weight loss transformations and some of them took a year, some took 6 months. I don't really want mine to take that long but at least I am losing and it will eventually add up. I'd like to be about a size 6. Smaller if I can, but I don't know if that is possible. That is still 4 sizes smaller than I am now.
Numbers Games
December 26, 2012 196.4 (starting weight)
January 1, 2013 189.3 (down 7.1lbs in just over one week)
Today (1-4-13) 188.0
If I lose 2lbs a week from here to the end of January I will weigh about 180.0, down only 8lbs (total loss of 16.4lbs)
If I lose 4lbs a week that will be another 8lbs putting me at 172.0ish. (Total loss of 24lbs).
In order to lose my goal loss of 20lbs in the month of January I would have to weigh 169.3 by the 31st. Obviously 3oz isn't going to get me there. :(
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
New Years 2013!
New Years Resolutions
My New Years resolutions are a bit the same and a bit different. One of my resolutions is always to lose weight and it never seems to happen. This year I plan to make it happen. I reached my first goal of being in the 180's by today. I am 189.3 (down 7.1 lbs since the 24th). My next goal is to be in the 160's by the end of the month. On another note, this year I want to move out on my own because I will be done with school in June, licensing in April, and hopefully by September I will be employed somewhere as a counselor. That will enable me to qualify for an apartment and get on my feet. Next, I want to work on myself and finding confidence that is not linked to body image but is based on who I am as a person. Of course, this means continuing to try to find myself and...probably my most important goal and one that is the hardest, is to respect myself enough not to love without being loved in return and not just that, but loved in the way that I see fit. No settling. That is incredibly hard considering I want marriage and a family like, yesterday, but that is my goal for 2013.
My New Years resolutions are a bit the same and a bit different. One of my resolutions is always to lose weight and it never seems to happen. This year I plan to make it happen. I reached my first goal of being in the 180's by today. I am 189.3 (down 7.1 lbs since the 24th). My next goal is to be in the 160's by the end of the month. On another note, this year I want to move out on my own because I will be done with school in June, licensing in April, and hopefully by September I will be employed somewhere as a counselor. That will enable me to qualify for an apartment and get on my feet. Next, I want to work on myself and finding confidence that is not linked to body image but is based on who I am as a person. Of course, this means continuing to try to find myself and...probably my most important goal and one that is the hardest, is to respect myself enough not to love without being loved in return and not just that, but loved in the way that I see fit. No settling. That is incredibly hard considering I want marriage and a family like, yesterday, but that is my goal for 2013.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Lighter Fighter
It has been 7 days since I started my diet. I am down to 190.7 from my starting weight of 196.4. I still need to lose the 0.7 to reach my goal of being into the 180's by New Years. This is definitely doable and I am confident that I will wake up tomorrow having reached my goal. My second goal, from New Years to the end of January is to lose 20lbs. I know that may be a bit much, so realistically, I'd be okay with losing 15lbs. If I lose the 20 it would put me back into the 160's which would be awesome. Considering I am still allowing myself one meal a day and I'm not working out, and I am still getting these results, I think it is great and makes it more manageable.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
The Beginning
Introduction of Sorts
It seems as if an introduction would be a good place to start this blog. I'm a 30 year old female living in Southern California. I am a graduate student, a school counseling intern, a substitute teacher, a daughter, and a dreamer. My main goal of this blog is self-reflection but also to let the world know that it ain't all rainbows and butterflies. I'm honest--to a fault, and I will be so in my blog, because it is, after all, mine. As time goes on I am sure my blog will become more refined, but one day I hope to turn it into a book.
Let's Start With a Little Bit of L-O-V-E
I am dating someone. We are quite new romantically but we go a ways back. We went to high school together. I have my own series of relationships I have been in. I'm divorced and I don't regret leaving him but I do miss being married. Now, at this stage of life, I want someone I can say anything to, do anything with, and who is my best friend. I also want marriage and kids, mainly kids, but I'd never rush something like that. Like any other relationship, this one has its moments where I want to tear my hair out. For instance, we are on the down low. Only a few of my close friends know about us and he wants it to stay that way. I'd even imagine he wished no one knew but I'm female and we are born with the defect that we love to gossip. What I would love for this relationship is 1. to become open meaning I can post that shit on Facebook if I want to, 2. his work slows down enough to where I see him more than a few times a month, 3. and then we start to get serious. I want stability and I need to get him to bring his walls down but they seem to be made of concrete. I have my chisel and I am making progress but by the time it comes down I am worried it will be too late. I want to give ourselves the opportunity to fall in love. We will see what happens.
Life is a 4-Letter Word
When I started grad school I moved back home shortly after. I was in a horrible relationship that I was only staying in for the dog, and just couldn't do it anymore. The problem is, my house is like WW3. My parents hate each other and my father hates us both. It's a lovely little mix we have going on. About as lovely as a kick in head by a steel toe boot, but...it is a roof over my head and thankfully, I am almost done with school. My goal is to get back out as soon as possible. At first I was so enraptured with school and so glad to be out of that relationship that I could deal, but nearly two years later I am ready to be back out on my own and for good. I'd love a little one bedroom and the opportunity to live all by myself. My own room, my own kitchen, my own living room, etc.
School
As of today, I have 165 days left of grad school, including breaks. I will be finished on June 14, 2013 but I am hoping I can complete all of my hours for internship and actually be done a bit before then. I take the exam for my National Counselor Certification on April 20th. I am going into phase 2/3 of my fieldwork stuff and it's a lot more than I thought it would be. I am trading supervisors so I hope things get better. I am going to just go back and keep my head down and get it done as fast as possible. It's just a means to an end at this point.
It seems as if an introduction would be a good place to start this blog. I'm a 30 year old female living in Southern California. I am a graduate student, a school counseling intern, a substitute teacher, a daughter, and a dreamer. My main goal of this blog is self-reflection but also to let the world know that it ain't all rainbows and butterflies. I'm honest--to a fault, and I will be so in my blog, because it is, after all, mine. As time goes on I am sure my blog will become more refined, but one day I hope to turn it into a book.
Let's Start With a Little Bit of L-O-V-E
I am dating someone. We are quite new romantically but we go a ways back. We went to high school together. I have my own series of relationships I have been in. I'm divorced and I don't regret leaving him but I do miss being married. Now, at this stage of life, I want someone I can say anything to, do anything with, and who is my best friend. I also want marriage and kids, mainly kids, but I'd never rush something like that. Like any other relationship, this one has its moments where I want to tear my hair out. For instance, we are on the down low. Only a few of my close friends know about us and he wants it to stay that way. I'd even imagine he wished no one knew but I'm female and we are born with the defect that we love to gossip. What I would love for this relationship is 1. to become open meaning I can post that shit on Facebook if I want to, 2. his work slows down enough to where I see him more than a few times a month, 3. and then we start to get serious. I want stability and I need to get him to bring his walls down but they seem to be made of concrete. I have my chisel and I am making progress but by the time it comes down I am worried it will be too late. I want to give ourselves the opportunity to fall in love. We will see what happens.
Life is a 4-Letter Word
When I started grad school I moved back home shortly after. I was in a horrible relationship that I was only staying in for the dog, and just couldn't do it anymore. The problem is, my house is like WW3. My parents hate each other and my father hates us both. It's a lovely little mix we have going on. About as lovely as a kick in head by a steel toe boot, but...it is a roof over my head and thankfully, I am almost done with school. My goal is to get back out as soon as possible. At first I was so enraptured with school and so glad to be out of that relationship that I could deal, but nearly two years later I am ready to be back out on my own and for good. I'd love a little one bedroom and the opportunity to live all by myself. My own room, my own kitchen, my own living room, etc.
School
As of today, I have 165 days left of grad school, including breaks. I will be finished on June 14, 2013 but I am hoping I can complete all of my hours for internship and actually be done a bit before then. I take the exam for my National Counselor Certification on April 20th. I am going into phase 2/3 of my fieldwork stuff and it's a lot more than I thought it would be. I am trading supervisors so I hope things get better. I am going to just go back and keep my head down and get it done as fast as possible. It's just a means to an end at this point.
Worth the Weight
I started my diet early. I am starting at 196.4 and on the start of day four I am 193. 8. This is the heaviest I have ever been and I feel disgusting. I am starting before the first to prove to myself that I have my own motivation and not just borrowing everyone else's for New Years. By the time we hit New Year's and everyone begins their weight loss resolutions I will be down at least 5lbs (I am already down 2.6lbs) and will be ahead of everyone else. I will get more motivation once everyone is on the bandwagon with me but at least I will have started on my own. To me, that means something. I just wish the weight would come off faster but I know I didn't put it on in a day, and it will take a while to come off. I have lost 20lbs in a month before when I was lighter, but I was walking everyone morning. If I can lose 20lbs by the end of January, I will be happy with that first goal. That would put me back into the 170's which is still high for me but feels more manageable. I can do this. I just have to put my mind to it. The more into the diet I get, the easier it will get because my stomach will shrink. This first week I am allowing myself one meal a day of my choice and trying to be good the rest of the day. I think that is a good starting place. Hopefully the smaller I get the more confident I will get because right now I have nothing but self-hate.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)